so naive, yet so...

Hmm. So this evening was a bit weird. S came round for beers and DVDs and we had just finished a tasty McDonalds treat and come up to watch The Fly in bed, all cosy and naked and pink, and then Mental Fiona texted him with 'Random, but I can't stop thinking about you. I hope you're not out with Emma. Wish you were here... x'

So S has gone home and I am feeling shaky and like I might be sick.

hell, boy

Carrie isn't coming back for a whole nother week! With whom shall I share pink wine and £1.00 Iceland garlic breads? Who will brighten up my day with sunshiney blonde laughter? I will have to cope with Emma I suppose...

This weekend has been ace, right up until about two hours ago when I poisoned S and myself with chlorine. I got a bit carried away with the Grot Buster in S's bathroom and now I'm home and I can still smll chlorine and my pupils are still dilated and I might be sick. I hope S doesn't get ill. Ooer.

We had a nice weekend. Nothing happened betwixt S and any laydees on Thursday. I spent Friday and Saturday nights at S's and he stayed here last night. And we talked a bit about stuff and although we're both worried in case all of this is incredibly unhealthy, it doesn't feel it so we're not going to rule anything out.

Ooh! I saw Mum and Dad! They came to visit on Sunday and I made fancy sandwiches and we went to Lotherton Hall and it was really nice and sunny. I love them.

I also love four day weeks : )

small mercies

Thank goodness tomorrow is payday. And praise be indeed for overtime and expenses being paid at the same time. And hooray for bank holiday weekends.

Not so hooray for the new lady at work who now sits in my seat. I don't like her. I like the new boy (who I don't like) more than I like her.

Last night I taught Carrie how to knit, because she was getting worried about her impending driving test (it was today but the test centre cancelled it), and it was good. We are going to have some adventures. The first one is going to involve either:

a) a wine tasting evening, or
b) a salsa class

We have a third option, which is a trip to a new casino, but I am a bit scared of that in case I get addicted to poker or blackjack or one of the other ones.


Did you see how I didn't mention S? I'm being good, I have deleted all his text messages (I haven't brought myself to delete his emails yet, I will though, give me a chance godammit), and I don't text him or email him unless I'm replying to one he's sent me.

He is out for L's birthday tonight. I feel weird knowing that nothing he does anymore is any of my business.

blue blue blue blue moon

I've not been feeling incredibly cheery for a few days and it's completely ladydays-related, but it's also really horrible and making me cry a fair bit. And my emotions are getting more and more tangled up and S is being so kind but trying to be sensible and growed-up and I can't do it. I am better off not spending time with him. I spent last night at his and it was so nice falling asleep and being able to feel him next to me, and now I want him to be here, but he's not, and I forgot my toothbrush when I came home, and I hate being in limbo, and none of my thoughts are very coherent or rational, and I just want to curl up in a ball and shut everything and everyone out, and I don't think I will cope when S and I finally stop this whole charade.

Carrie was very good yesterday and said I shouldn't try and think about things. I should be grateful for the following facts:
1) S is a good person
2) S cares for me and likes spending time with me
3) S sends me lovely text messages and hasn't got a new girlfriend

But I am not grateful because of the following fact:
1) S is not my boyfriend anymore

Dear S...

... it's been six weeks, two days and two hours since we broke up and I want to get back together. Not move in together, but date again. I liked it. I don't feel that we gave ourselves a chance. I shouldn't have moved in with you so quickly, even though I didn't realise it was a mistake at the time. I wish we'd waited, and enjoyed each other's company, and carried on having fun like we are doing now. I wish we didn't have this big black cloud hanging over us.

I feel like I could fall in love again.

lucy's tiny mind

I am now installed in the new house, and it is good. My room is so nice, and it has lovely things in, and my bed is beautiful and comfy and it feels like I'm in some kind of fancy hotel even though I've been here over a week now.

At the weekend I went out with one of the girls from work to a couple of the pubs in her village. It made me a bit homesick for Woodhall Spa, because everyone knew each other, and it was all cosy and friendly, and safe. Even though we had a fun time gossiping about work and drinking pink wine and talking about boys, in the back of my mind I was wondering what S was up to, and whether he was wondering what I was up to. And in the morning we saw each other again and it got fruity, and the rest of the weekend stayed pretty fruity, and by Sunday evening I had decided in my very tiny mind that we actually do love each other after all and we should totally just go back to dating, like we did last year, and live apart, and see each other a couple of times a week, and we'll realise that we should be together, like boyfriend and girlfriend, and it'll be okay, really.

It is amazing how I can convince myself of things that are utterly ridiculous when I am at my lowest.